Honey, You Do Realize The Microphone Is On, Right?

I was going to excerpt portions of this interview with Sienna Miller, complete with snarky comments, but then I remembered all that stuff my elders taught me about it not being nice to pick on the retarded kids. What can I say. The guilt overwhelmed me.

A Question In Run-On Sentence Form

So, the guy who was offering the most money on the condition that the Coyotes be moved out of a market where they’ve flailed consistently since arriving into a Canadian city where hockey is more like a religion than a sport and thus all but guaranteed in writing on tablets carried down from Mount Sinai to thrive gets turned down in favor of keeping things as they are in Phoenix for less money and some form of government grant?

Am I understanding this correctly?

*Headsmack*

This Just In: K-Fed Now A Fat Ass

News of which has been presented under the headline that this “shocks fans.” When it comes to non-talent celebrities, I have a morbid curiosity as to what exactly people are a “fan” of? Is it Federline’s extraordinary ability to open the passenger door of his suped-up, bitchin’ El Camino while balancing three cases of Corona with one hand, as documented for historical posterity by TMZ? The way he carries off that prison chic of the “Pimp Daddy” clothing line? What does he do besides cash checks from his ex-wife and offer D-list waves from bad movie premieres? Is being a gigolo that impressive? And finally, why is anybody surprised that he’s porked out the same way any self-respecting, unemployed, under-educated trailer trash bum is expected to?

So many questions about so few brain cells.

~Beez

The Excitement Of An Administrative Post. Contain yourselves.

Yeah, I changed the theme. Again. The font on the previous one was too small. I know it’s boring, but until I can be bothered to upgrade and host this place on my own dime, I’ll have to live with it.

After your orgasm over the excitement of this announcement has climaxed, please return to business as usual. Cigarettes are in the top drawer to the right if you need one.

~Beez

In Which Your Hostess Takes A Tired Subject And Flogs The Dead Horse Further

Erin Andrews.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Shut up. Enough already. I don’t care about it anymore. Talk about Michael Jackson or some other less exhausted subject.

My apologies. It’s just that, ever since the news broke, I’ve been in shock to discover that guys like to see hot chicks naked. I’m surprised somebody hasn’t started a magazine or something to fulfill the demand. Then I read the following and my state of confusion over this baffling revelation was replaced with awe at how absurdly self-righteous some people can be.

I wish women would stop propping up men’s sports. If women didn’t attend NFL games or NBA games, or even watch them on TV to help drive up ratings, they would be doing more to stop men from behaving badly than they could ever do otherwise. If they encouraged their sons to play sports instead of paying to watch other people play baseball or football or basketball or soccer [or *cough* hockey - ed], they would be sending the message that athleticism is good, but pro sports culture is bad. And it is, nothing but bad.

I am well aware this suggestion is the stuff of fantasy. That said, I never have understood why women participate in male sports culture, and then turn around and criticize it when something bad emanates from it. It’s a waste of time, pure and simple.

One douchebag behaving douchey does not invalidate the entire culture of pro sports. Maybe I’m insulated from a lot of it because very little of said douchery occurs in the sport of hockey. The NHL is a league where just being a dick at a press conference can get you booted off of a team. Ask Sean Avery about that. Besides, I’d wager with confidence that some asshole would be willing to violate the privacy and dignity of a woman such as Erin Andrews if she were an actress, a dentist, a lawyer, or a fry cook at a truck stop diner. Being a sports reporter has nothing to do with male interest in having a peek at her ta-tas. The only thing that makes her job relevant is the celebrity status that brought the video into our living rooms instead of it being private bathroom wanking fodder for one lonely pervert.

Pro sports bring hours of entertainment for family and friends. They encourage civic pride and give people hope by having victory to root for. I can’t think of a single professional team that doesn’t require their players to participate in community-based charities, not that most of them wouldn’t do so voluntarily. They generate revenue for cities that contribute to public services. Children have athletes and successful, skilled adults to look up to (not all of them are jerks, you know) and aspire to their levels of achievement. This is why I participate in “male sports culture.” One creep with a camera catching some hot tail on tape without her permission does not toss all of the positive aspects of sports out the window. I wouldn’t dismiss the workforce at a Hershey’s factory as evil just because Jeffrey Dahmer killed and ate people (he worked at a chocolate factory, too!). Baby, bath water. You know all the clichés.

Pure and simple, I’ll thank the author of that blog to leave it to me to decide what is or is not a waste of my own damn time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check baseball scores.

~Emily Beezwax

This Just In: Egypt No Longer In Africa

And they say Americans only learn geography by going to war. I guess even then, we still get it wrong.

~Emily Beezwax

For Sheila – And Now You Do

For Sheila, who, after seeing the trailer for the upcoming Tron movie, wished she knew how to say “I can’t wait” in twelve languages. Here you go, my friend.

I ma jistgħux jistennew. – Maltese

Eu não posso esperar. – Portuguese

Hindi ko maghintay. – Tagalog

ฉันไม่สามารถรอ. – Thai

אני לא יכול לחכות. – Hebrew

Ja ne mogu čekati. – Croatian

Ik kan niet wachten. – Dutch

Alig várom. – Hungarian

من نمی توانم صبر کنید. – Persian

Я не могу ждать. – Russian

En voi odottaa. – Finnish

Eu non podo esperar. – Galician

~Emily Beezwax

What’s With The Woody Over Keeping The Coyotes In Phoenix?

And the Deluded Git of the Week award goes to…

Deputy Commissioner William Daly told Reuters Television the NHL thinks the Phoenix market can support an NHL franchise.

*Cough*

With bids for the Phoenix Coyotes due in an Arizona bankruptcy court today, the club has revealed it lost more than $60-million (all currency U.S.) last season.

Documents filed in court show the club’s hockey operations posted a $27.1-million loss for the year ended June 30. Hockey revenue, which came largely from ticket sales, totalled $58.3-million, about $7-million less than the club expected.

The net loss, which included interest payments and other costs, was $67.1-million, according to the filing.

Keep moving. Nothing to see here…

*Cough* again.

~Emily Beezwax

I Don’t Know

Search that led someone here: “Does Sidney Crosby like macaroni and cheese?”

Sorry I couldn’t help you out, buddy.

~Emily Beezwax

Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)

I’m talking to you, Sarah Palin. Enough of the whining and moaning because you were treated pretty much the same way anyone else with any other job that steps into the national spotlight has been treated since the invention of the printing press. Yes, some people were mean. Did you deserve it? Probably not. Should you have expected it? Unless you were raised by monkeys in the rainforests of El Salvador, YES.

Now please go away.

~Emily Beezwax